The Pregnancy

Buckle up... my journey into pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart.  I still couldn't believe I was really pregnant.  I called my gynecologist's office, and the receptionist said, "Oh, honey, those pregnancy tests are like 99.9% positive."  I was in disbelief that they didn't even want to see me.  Thankfully I was a nurse and knew that I should probably be taking a prenatal vitamin, but I had to ask to be seen.  Women's healthcare is seriously lacking.  That's a story for another day.  She did end up making my appointment for an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy only after my insistence.  Who could forget such a day, when your boyfriend is sitting next to you in the exam room when the technician casually asks you to "insert" the ultrasound equipment into yourself.  Once I saw the flicker of the heartbeat, my whole world changed.  It became so real.  I found out I was 7.5 weeks pregnant. 

I am what they call "geriatric" in pregnancy due to my ripe old age of 36.  Genetic testing was required, along with a more intense ultrasound schedule.  If I am to be completely honest, we did have a discussion about the possibility of abortion if the child had any abnormalities.  We did encounter a sleepless night after an ultrasound when the doctor stated his concerns about one of the baby's kidneys not being normal. The doctor had a terrible bedside manner, as I was reassured by one of the nurses the following day.  She stated that it can be quite normal when carrying a boy for this phenomenon to occur and not to be too concerned.  She reaffirmed that it could fix itself during pregnancy, and there was a small percentage of babies that develop down's syndrome.

When it came down to really discussing the possibility of ending the pregnancy, I could have never lived with myself.  I was a big girl now, and although I didn't plan for this, I couldn't bring myself to end it. 

The pregnancy was not easy.  The nausea was intense, but thankfully not hyperemesis.  I am so grateful for Trader Joe's ginger chews to get me through some rough moments.  I am also very grateful for Catheryn and her prenatal yoga class.  I should have been tipped off by the handout from the doctor's office of the pre-approved medication list as to the loads of fun to come.   It was Catheryn, who thankfully talked about things that can occur during pregnancy during her class that really got me through my pregnancy.  I didn't freak out when I stood up and got a random nose bleed because she had talked about it in her class the week before.  Tip: ice pack to the back of the neck while pinching the nose stops the nosebleed.  

Talk about a secret society!  I was 14 weeks pregnant while at work, I sneezed and peed my pants.  I was mortified in the med room.  I had to change into hospital scrub bottoms. Then, the other nurses, who were also mothers, chimed in, "welcome to motherhood."  It's like a secret membership into the "pee your pants club."  I honestly didn't see this coming so soon.  I did expect this much later in my pregnancy.   I was not prepared for the honesty that came pouring out of the other moms.  Yet another WTF moment that shows the lack of women's healthcare.  More on this later. 

My sister had a love of Swedish fish candy, but they really weren't my thing...until I was pregnant.   I ate them almost every day.  I also ate a ton of Vienna Mocha Chunk ice cream.  So maybe it doesn't surprise you that I developed gestational diabetes.  Talk about complete suck moments.  I had about 2 good weeks during the pregnancy where I had felt ok.  Then nausea came back with a vengeance.  I had to see a diabetic counselor who was probably insane.  God bless my Irish coworker, Maire.  While the counselor was happy with my blood sugar being 65, I felt like crap.  It was Maire, whoever so bluntly said, in her Irish accent, "For fuck's sake, if that was your patient, you would be on the phone with the doctor and giving the patient a fucking snack." God, I love her. 

A bowl of oatmeal would send my blood sugar through the roof, but I could tolerate a couple of eggs and a piece of gluten-free bread for breakfast. It was a learning curve for sure.  I had also begun having an irritable uterus as well.  AKA false labor.  Oh, what fun.  My due date was December 8, but I had my overnight bag packed in August.  I know, cue the laughter, or "she's insane" talk.  Looking back, I can smile at my naiveness, but those moments were agony in the present moment.  

Back in the day when Babies R Us was the place to shop for all your baby needs, I was there by myself.  I had hoped for a partner to shop with and pick out baby items with, but I didn't get that.  I was there in Babies R Us alone, among the other couples looking at stuff together.  Comparison is and always will be the robber of all joy, but I did feel alone.   He did pick out the baby's name.  Gabriel...after the archangel.  It fit.  I had picked out the first book titled "You are my I love you" along with a star blanket.  I would sit in the rocker recliner (omg the best purchase ever) and read to him while I was pregnant.  Spoiler Alert: Gabriel loves books and being read to.  

The baby shower theme was "Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder what you are."   However, thanks to his overly excited dad, who spilled the beans of the baby's gender at my birthday gathering.   We happened to have had an ultrasound tech that was super into our baby.  The ultrasound print out was ridiculously long and ahem, showed the lower appendage.  We were supposed to keep that to ourselves, but his dad went out to the car and started "rolling out" the ultrasound and exclaiming, "look at his penis!".  No one had to "wonder" what you are.   

My sister and her friend put on my baby shower in October.  It was so nice.  We were able to have Gabriel's name on the cake, and they had made star ornaments with Gabriel's name on them for everyone to take home as a keepsake.  I was so grateful to see my friends and family there.  By this time, the father and I were having some difficulties in our relationship. We managed to get through the day and even danced salsa together, but our relationship was starting to fall apart.  I wasn't sure if he would even be there for the birth or cut the cord.